


For both of us

by fictionallemons



Series: I hate earl grey [2]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Benji is protective, Benthan, Canonical Character Death, Ethan and Benji are always a bit of both, Ethan is bisexual, Ethan is healing, Fluff and Angst, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jack Harmon - Freeform, Kissing, M/M, Mission Impossible, Mission Impossible: Fallout - Freeform, No Smut, Past Relationship(s), Sadly, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 16:09:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15952874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionallemons/pseuds/fictionallemons
Summary: Ethan shares a little of his past with Benji.





	For both of us

They were jet-lagged and awake at three am. Ethan was tracing designs on Benji’s back as they lay together, legs entwined, in the hotel bed.

“Ethan, can I ask you a question?”

“Yes, Benji.”

“When did you know you were…not straight?”

Ethan smiled, even though Benji couldn’t see his face. “Oh, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to remember life before…but I was oblivious for a while…I was dead set on joining the Army, but got scooped up by the IMF before I could start basic training. They had their own training back then, different than it is now. One of my instructors was Jack.” Ethan’s voice hitched almost imperceptibly over the name.

“He was a tech guy, and a damn good field agent as well. He was really… _friendly_. He flirted with everyone, male, female, old, young. He was kind of a slut, actually.” There was a smile in his voice now. “And when we hung out, just the two of us, he made me feel like I could be myself. It wasn’t long before we started fooling around—nothing serious, but I realized that it was way better with him than with the girls I’d been with, though that hadn’t been bad, either.” 

Ethan wasn’t super concerned with the labels. But he wanted to make it clear to Benji that this was what he wanted—110%. “I’m bi. But maybe like 60/40 in favor of guys?”

Benji hummed. “And what happened to Jack? Is he still with IMF? I guess I should thank him--it sounds like he was good for you. Or do I need to kick his arse?” 

Ethan smiled again, if sadly this time. Benji was so cute in protective mode.

“Jack was a little older than me. He’d been in the field longer. I’d been going on missions for less than a year. I was young and cocky. We were on a mission in Prague.” Ethan took a deep, shaky breath. “I hadn’t lost anyone close to me, not really. And I lost them all, in one night. Jack was first. Dead before I knew we were being slaughtered. I lost them all. I lost them.”

Benji just held on, and Ethan clung to him, too, not even realizing how tightly he held the most precious thing in his life. “I lost him.”

Benji was silent, letting Ethan process. “It wasn’t a grand love affair or anything, but I realized, after he was gone, how deep my feelings had been. After, it was just easier to be with women. They didn’t remind me so much—“ Ethan broke off, scrubbed his face with his free hand. “I couldn’t protect him. Hah. Maybe I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since.”

“Hey, it wasn’t your fault. Maybe you’ll never believe that. But I do. I’ll believe it for both of us.” Benji’s voice had lost its post-sex dreaminess, and he was now steely and determined.

Ethan said nothing. Maybe that was enough, for Benji to believe it for both of them. At least it made him feel like he wasn’t so alone.

“And I’m sorry, Ethan,” Benji said, softer now.

“For what?”

“For your loss.”

“Oh.” Ethan sucked in a breath at the simple sentiment, at the punch in the gut it felt like. No one had ever said that to him about Jack, because no had known. “Thanks,” he said gruffly. He wasn’t going to cry. It was too late for tears. But as he turned his head to kiss Benji’s mouth, warm and soft underneath his, he felt another long-hidden away piece of his heart gain a new sense of peace.

“Have I told you I love you today?” Ethan said against Benji’s lips.

“Yeah, you have, actually,” Benji replied.

“Oh. Okay.” Ethan waited a beat. “I love you.”

“I love you, Ethan.” Benji kissed him back, with tongue this time. “And I still can’t sleep. So maybe you could help tire me out a little more.”

“With pleasure.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sadly, no smut here but I had this in my head and wanted to get it out. Apparently I like to write these two naked in bed, talking.
> 
> I finally made my tumblr match my AO3 acct, so you can find me over there at fictionallemons.


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